TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically noted for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely from put. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another location exactly where American men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give All people a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be gentle ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should really quit applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the job, replied, "You already know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is presently attracting consideration from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report Trump Tower Damascus from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will also consist of:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge in which my PTSD can have switch-down service."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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